Effective communication, especially in relationships, is a skill that requires us to be in the present moment, observe our partner’s nonverbal signs, and empathize with them. Being congruent is an efficient communication method (Kitili, 2020). It means balancing the internal and the external world, thereby leading to higher functioning (Satir et.al, 1991).
Incongruent people use survival stances in their interaction with others (Satir, 1983). This communication pattern is destructive, and the individual generally tries to protect their self-esteem and self-worth by giving away power to someone or something else. The four survival or coping stances are as follows.
1. Placating
Satir et. al (1991) describe placating as giving in to the other person and surrendering self-respect. The message is that one is not valuable and their opinions do not count because they are taking care of the other’s welfare and hiding the anger. They may apologize for everything and try to take the blame for anything that comes up. Some examples of interaction include ‘I agree because I should.’ These individuals are people-pleasing (Coping stances controlled folly – Satir Workshops, 2009).
- Blaming
This involves the individual’s failure to take responsibility for their actions which results in one placing the blame over the other. It is done through fear of others using domination and hiding feelings of helplessness (Kitili, 2020). These people are mean and critics of everybody and everything. They use phrases like ‘You always…’ or ‘You never…’ These people can be reached out through their expectations and by knowing what they want (Banmen, 2016).
3. Super reasonable
These individuals use data and statistics to prove their points, which are very technical (Kitili, 2020). They fear getting in touch with the reality of their uncomfortable emotions and feelings and are very afraid to hurt others. These people are rational, reasonable, logical, and factual but poorly connected with their feelings (Banmen, 2016). They play tricks on people and under no circumstance reveal their true selves to others (Coping stances controlled folly – Satir Workshops, 2009).
4. Being irrelevant
Satir et al. (1991) describe these individuals as clowns hiding despair as they are always joking and changing the subject when difficult communication is brought up. These individuals get bored quickly. They are intimidated by others making contact, and they chatter, twitch or do silly things to keep them off balance. Communicating with these individuals is difficult.
The above four are survival modes under emotional stress, not personality categories (Banmen, 2016). At intervals, we all keep shifting and using these stances of communication. They are helpful in the short term but can be destructive when real issues are not discussed and dealt with properly, and personal growth is hampered (Cordiva, 2013). Survival stances keep marriages from working well, and it is essential to leave them behind and improve communication with your partner (Banmen, 2016). In the end, these stances do not help you grow and keep you in stagnated (Satir et. al, 1991).
References
Banmen, J. (2016). Applications of the Satir Growth Model, 2nd Edition. Surrey: Satir Institute of the Pacific.
Cordiva, B. (2013). Enhancing Couples Relationship: Refocusing Attention to Elements that Nurture their Romantic Lives. California State University, Northridge, 48.
Kitili, G. (2020). Relationship Between Satir’s Coping Stances and Marital Conflict: A Case of Couples Attending Counselling at Gatundu Children’s Office, Gatundu Sub-County, Kiambu County, Kenya (Doctoral dissertation, Pan Africa Christian University).
Satir, V. (1983). Conjoint Family Therapy. California: Science and Behaviour Books Inc.
Satir, V., Banmen, J., Gomori, M., & Gerber, J. (1991). The Satir model: Family therapy and beyond. Palo Alto, Calif.: Science and Behavior Books.
Coping stances controlled folly – Satir Workshops. (2009, June). Retrieved March 25, 2022, from http://www.satirworkshops.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/06/coping-stances-teaser.pdf
